Tag Archives: fear

November 30, 2012 · 11:24 am

Who Says I’m Qualified to Contribute to Academic Conversation?

So I am in middle of writing a twenty-page paper about Woodstock, which means my writing muscle is pretty occupied right now. (Though seriously, the organizational disaster that was Woodstock is an incredibly interesting topic, and it’s worth reading and laughing about sometime. 400,000 hippies hanging out in the mud, with almost no food and only 600 bathrooms for them all – sounds like a great time!) Fortunately, I previously did a post on the hair-pulling anxiety that is writing a paper, which seems appropriate to re-post today. After all, it is exactly the same hair-pulling anxiety that is seizing up my brain at this very moment. So I present you…

Why It’s Harder to Write a Term Paper Than a Blog

Some people might think blogging is pretty scary – putting up stuff for all the world to criticize, and maybe to use to your disadvantage when you run for President someday. However, I realized these past two weeks that writing academic papers scares me more. Then I started wondering why, and ended up writing:

 The Utter Bloody Fear of Handing in a Paper

OR: Who Says I’m Qualified to Contribute to Academic Conversation?

 Whenever I write a paper for university, I have a period of at least day of paralysing fear, where I’m certain I’m about to fail this paper and never pass another course again. I don’t get this with exams. Exams you can just write the thing and walk away, and if you forget an important thing it doesn’t mean you’re stupid, you were probably just stressed out.

But when writing a paper, you’re expected to poke holes in ideas of people a hundred times smarter than you, and hand it in to someone a hundred times smarter than you. Well – when I’m rational I try to convince myself the prof probably isn’t that much smarter than me, just disciplined enough to finish a doctorate in the subject. But that don’t negate the fact I’m walking into THEIR territory with this paper, and they know this stuff and I’ve just taken a two month course on it.

I mean, honestly, you want me to criticize Karl Marx? Or Foucault, or Hayden White, or whoever the theorist of the course happens to be? I might disagree with them, but I can hardly engage them on their own terms. In fact, I’m usually having trouble grasping exactly what they’re talking about. And since I hate misrepresenting people’s ideas (even on this blog, I’m always afraid to misquote someone), I feel pretty unqualified to comment on someone’s theory when I’ve only read a half-page excerpt of what the guy actually said.

So, thinking about this, I realized I have this trouble in real life conversations too. They always describe academic publishing as like a conversation, and this may explain why I feel so uncomfortable jumping blindly into the conversation. I don’t like entering a conversation unless I actually have something interesting to contribute. So sometimes when people think I’m quiet, I’m actually trying to avoid repeating bland ideas that have already been said a hundred times before. As well, if the topic of conversation is video games, hip-hop, movies I haven’t seen, or any other topic I don’t know enough about, I really don’t feel expert enough to interrupt the flow and jump in with something, just to remind everyone that hey, I’m standing in the group too. However, in academia, it is essential to remind everyone you’re still standing there – it’s ‘publish or perish,’ after all. But still, I hate pretending I know enough to actually write on this stuff.

All the same, writing papers is probably a good thing. It teaches you to take a position, and back your opinions up. Sometimes taking a position in these debates is the only way to feel your way around, and find out what the debate really all involves (and sometimes you find out your initial position is wrong, too, of course). You might be surprised, say, by what Karl Marx actually said, even if you still think he’s wrong.

Still, it is strange writing papers scares me more than blogging. Even if I get two hits a day, that’s still several more people reading my stuff here than the one prof and maybe a TA who read my academic papers.

Well, wish me well as I go to slay the anxiety dragon!

The above post was originally posted here. I did modify it a little in the re-post.

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July 6, 2012 · 3:37 pm

2 Things That Scare Me About Going (Back) to Brazil

Olinda, a lovely seaside town. Photo by Esther S.

I’m doing better this time – last year I wrote about the 3 Things That Scare Me About Travelling to Brazil, and this year it’s only two things! Two minor things, as you’ll see below. The real reason for this post was to let all my lovely readers know I will be leaving in a week and a half, so while this blog will continue to be updated, my responses to comments, etc., will be slow. Also, I wanted to leave plenty of time for you all to tell me if there’s anything you want me to write about Brazil. Are you setting your next work-in-progress in the exotic setting of South America? Have you always wished to travel to the Southern Hemisphere yourself? Did you just realize you know absolutely nothing about the continent below North America when your know-it-all friend informed you they speak Portuguese in Brazil, and not Spanish? If so, submit your questions and topics here, and I’ll do my best to write a post about them!

Anyway, back to the two things that scare me:

Starving to Death in the Airport

As I’ve written before, I am a celiac – which means I can’t eat anything contaminated with wheat. Now, plane food isn’t great at the best of times, but if it’s covered in bread crumbs or wheat-based sauces, it’s downright inedible for me. Most airlines offer a gluten-free option, but there’s always the risk the message doesn’t get through, and your specially prepared meal doesn’t get loaded on the flight. Last year, I was fortunate enough to get dinner on the way from Chicago to Sao Paulo, but the breakfast was all bread-based. Therefore, I was starving by the time we landed. And then I ran into the language barrier – my Portuguese was so basic I couldn’t manage to ask what the ingredients in the fast food all were. Not that fast food places are ever great places for asking what’s in their food (even at home, I generally avoid there). By the time I eventually got to northeast Brazil, I finally managed to convey to one fast food worker that I wanted to buy something to drink. It took a lot of handwaving and confusion. But food was beyond my sign language, so I just stayed hungry until I got my suitcase and could unpack some of the snacks I’d brought along.

This year, I get to spend even longer travelling, because I have a longer layover. At least it’s in the States, where they speak English. So my chances of starving are pretty slim, not to mention the fact I’m slightly more confident in Portuguese now (though I’m afraid I’ll never be fluent!) Still, travelling is stressful at the best of times. Being hungry on top of that is never fun!

It’s Never the Same the Second Time

What was it I loved about Brazil last year? It’s impossible to put into words – just the feeling of being there, the atmosphere, the difference from North America. But nothing is ever the same twice. Nothing ever goes exactly as you expect, and I know enough about life to know things always change while you are away. And maybe it’s that sense of not quite knowing what to expect that makes things so exciting the first time.

Fortunately, I know that often the second time is just as good. After all, I’ve been to the Netherlands several times, and it’s always been so pleasant that I want to go back. Things can be just as good in a different way. And no matter what happens – even if I feel like an ignorant gringa the whole time, annoying all the native Brazilians with broken Portuguese – I’ll still be back in Brazil. Back in that crazy, interesting country that turns all my assumptions about how the world works upside-down. I guess that’s why I loved the place so much!

 

So there you have it! There’s still some time before I jet away, so there’s plenty of time for suggestions for posts. I’d better go practice some Portuguese 🙂

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November 18, 2011 · 1:54 pm

Why It’s Harder to Write a Term Paper Than a Blog

Frustration! by Bev Sykes. Licensed under Creative Commons Attribution LIcense 2.0 Generic

Some people might think blogging is pretty scary – putting up stuff for all the world to criticize, and maybe to use to your disadvantage when you run for President someday (fortunately, there’s no chance of me doing that). However, I realized these past two weeks that writing academic papers scares me more. Then I started wondering why, and ended up writing:

 The Utter Bloody Fear of Handing in a Paper

OR: Who Says I’m Qualified to Contribute to Academic Conversation?

 Whenever I write a paper for university, I have a period of at least day of paralysing fear, where I’m certain I’m about to fail this paper and never pass another course again. I don’t get this with exams. Exams you can just write the thing and walk away, and if you forget an important thing it doesn’t mean you’re stupid, you were probably just stressed out.

But when writing a paper, you’re expected to poke holes in ideas of people a hundred times smarter than you, and hand it in to someone a hundred times smarter than you. Well – when I’m rational I try to convince myself the prof probably isn’t that much smarter than me, just disciplined enough to finish a doctorate in the subject. But that don’t negate the fact I’m walking into THEIR territory with this paper, and they know this stuff and I’ve just taken a two month course on it.

I mean, honestly, you want me to criticize Karl Marx? Or Foucault, or Hayden White, or whoever the theorist of the course happens to be? I might disagree with them, but I can hardly engage them on their own terms. In fact, I’m usually having trouble grasping exactly what they’re talking about. And since I hate misrepresenting people’s ideas (even on this blog, I’m always afraid to misquote someone), I feel pretty unqualified to comment on someone’s theory when I’ve only read a half-page excerpt of what the guy actually said.

So, thinking about this, I realized I have this trouble in real life conversations too. I don’t like entering a conversation unless I actually have something interesting to contribute (and yes, hopefully this blog isn’t a useless piece of online chatter, but actually thought-provoking once in a while). So people may sometimes think I’m quiet, but actually I’m just trying to avoid repeating bland ideas that have already been said a hundred times before. As well, if the topic of conversation is video games, hip-hop, movies I haven’t seen, or any other topic I don’t know enough about, I really don’t feel expert enough to interrupt the flow and jump in with something, just to remind everyone that hey, I’m standing in the group too. Of course, some of my friends know if you wind me up on a topic I actually feel like I know something about, I can rant about my opinions for hours.

All the same, writing papers is probably a good thing. It teaches you to take a position, and back your opinions up. Sometimes taking a position in these debates is the only way to feel your way around, and find out what the debate really all involves (and sometimes you find out your initial position is wrong, too, of course). You might be surprised, say, by what Karl Marx actually said, even if you still think he’s wrong.

But still, I hate pretending I know enough to actually write on this stuff.

 

So, I’m handing a couple papers this week. I’m writing this to procrastinate, and also to get my thoughts about this down on paper, which seems to help me think. Hopefully all will go well!

 

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July 5, 2011 · 2:41 pm

3 Things That Scare Me About Travelling to Brazil

“Praia Juaquina, Florianopolis, Brazil, December 20 2008”, by Mike Vondran. Licensed under Creative Commons Attribution License, 2.0 Generic

In psychology, they tell you that the closer you get to an event, the more your excitement increases – and the more your anxiety increases. In fact, your anxiety rises faster than your excitement. Yes, that’s why they make you buy your plane tickets ahead of time. You can’t back out so easily.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited about travelling all the way to South America. But…

1.) What if I don’t make it there?

One of my worst nightmares is getting stranded in Chicago or something. Or worse, in Sao Paulo, 1,300 miles away from where I’m supposed to be (and from anyone I vaguely know). I’m flown before, to Europe, but not by myself. And flying has never scared me before, but suddenly I notice the hundreds of things that could go wrong… bags stolen, strip-searched by security, suspected of drug-trafficking or being a terrorist, missing a flight… Oh goodness, now I sound neurotic.

2.) What if I can’t handle the stress?

I’ve never travelled so far alone before, so I hope I can keep a cool head on my shoulders to deal with whatever issues come up. Travelling is fun, but not always completely stress-free. Last year I had some issues with anxiety and stress. This year seems to be better… let’s hope it stays that way!

3.) What if I can’t speak Portuguese?

Yeah, I’ve been trying to learn, because in Brazil that is what they speak. Because not everyone I’ll be meeting will necessarily know any English. But I’ve been learning online and off audio tapes, so what if my accent in incomprehensible? I’ve got visions of people staring at me and thinking I’m crazy or something. In addition, I have a condition known as celiac disease, which means I can’t eat a speck of wheat. I hope I’ll have enough Portuguese to be able to tell people, “no bread, please.”

 

All the same, the day of departure is coming up fast! I’ve scheduled a few blog posts to show up when I’m gone, and for Polly, the Princess, the Enchanter and the Jadess to continue, but if I have computer access in Brazil I may add a couple travel posts as well.  Stay tuned for that!

 

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