Maybe We’re Not in Control

This post was originally on my second blog, Reading the Christian Classics. All posts from that blog have now been migrated here, so all my writing is in one place

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I still remember setting eyes on the “flatten the curve” chart last week Thursday. Everything clicked into place. It was so clear–okay, that’s what we have to do next. There were actual steps to follow. Everyone seemed to start taking them over the next days and week. Social distance, social distance, social distance….

Here we are, more than a week later. We watch helpless from our quarantine boxes as the virus races across the globe. We watch the death rate tick up, up, up. Even worse, we watch cars out on the roads around our homes–is that travel really necessary? We see posts online pleading for others to not go to the grocery store so frequently, to stop going in to work, to stop socializing even at a distance of two meters. Then we watch videos of spring breakers wrestling in the sand on the beaches of Florida and throw our hands in the air–why don’t people understand?

We know what our governments need to do. They need to pay everyone so everyone can stay home. They need to make everyone stay home. They need to buy more ventilators, stat. They need to buy more masks. They need to make everyone wear masks. They need to…………… We watch helplessly as our politicians race around putting out fires, answering media questions, getting things done achingly slow….

We don’t have control. We don’t have control. We don’t have control.

What would you do if you could? Put everyone in little boxes and make them stay there for a month? That would probably work, and in a way that’s what we’re trying to do. And the vast majority of people are listening, and doing their best, and working together. And yet–there’s still people in the streets. There’s things the government isn’t doing. There’s so much we can’t control.

And then one person goes to a party and spreads it to ten other people, and our caseload goes up, and the fire seems to burn and burn.

And the economy tanks, and people who were making money suddenly aren’t anymore, and jobs that seem secure suddenly disappear, and there’s no sign anything will function normally again anytime soon. What would you do if you were in control? Would you be able to fix it?

It doesn’t matter. We are suddenly aware of ourselves, puny little bags of flesh, helpless and powerless. We’re doing everything we can, and yet it might not be enough. We might throw all we have at this, and still watch people die, and still feel like we failed. We might fail to ever make this end, by our own strength and ingenuity alone.

I’m not saying there’s no hope. There’s signs of light on the horizon–signs the curve is flattening, signs a drug might be effective, signs a vaccine may be here soon. But can you speed that up? Are you in control?

Our illusions are shattered. We thought we’d eradicated disease, and our modern healthcare system was triumphant. We patted ourselves on the back. We felt in control, even though we never lifted a finger to create the medicine we used. But we’d deceived ourselves. We’d trusted in an illusion. We were stupidly mistaken.

Our hope can never be in ourselves and our own intelligence. This is not to say human intelligence won’t work miracles–humans have done amazing things, and can do so now again. But our hope cannot rest on that. There’s more unknowns than our minds can grasp. We’re ships listing at the mercy of waves we haven’t fully understood yet. We’ve been thrown out into the bitter reality of the unknown.

Let go. Yelling at spring breakers won’t do any good. A million rolls of toilet paper won’t do you any good. Stocking up on guns and ammo won’t do you any good. Frantic pleas to the government may go unheard. Rants on twitter may never be seen by the people who so clearly need to read them.

What will do you good is to see yourself as you are. Look at your illusion of power, and destroy it. The virus may be creeping through the air, mutating, hiding, ready to kill you despite your Lysol and scientific knowledge and advanced medicine. You are not in control.

We have hope. To look at ourselves is to be lost. We look beyond ourselves to see the hope, out beyond the horizon and not within, to see the glimmer of sunlight peeking over the hills. Is there anyone in control? Yes, Someone is.

Your suffering is real. Find the One who knows your suffering. It’s not the government.

Your fear is real. You need Someone to hear your fears, who never changes. It’s not the economy.

Can we see ourselves in our true fragility, and not despair? Can we be honest about our inability, and yet find hope? Stop grasping at straws you have no control over, which could betray you in the end–chloroquine , a vaccine, universal basic income. There is a way to face reality in all its terror and truth.

What strength is there in a man? His life withers like grass. He cannot act if he feels his actions land without effect, if chaos sweeps away each step he takes. Despair rushes in when powerlessness does. And yet he can be crowned with wisdom, and effectiveness, and resilience. He can be powerful in his powerlessness–if he sees himself as he truly is yet knows he does not stand in his own strength alone.

We have been blessed in the past, and we will be blessed in the future, but not as a result of the levers we pull or the acts we set into motion. We stand on solid ground, but it is not ground we placed beneath our feet.

So teach us to number our days

that we may get a heart of wisdom.

Return, O Lord! How long?

Have pity on your servants!

Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love,

that we may rejoice and be glad all our days.

Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us,

and for as many years as we have seen evil.

Let your work be shown to your servants,

and your glorious power to their children.

Let the favor of the Lord our God be upon us,

and establish the work of our hands upon us;

yes, establish the work of our hands!

• Psalm 90:13-17

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